Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Trapped
I don't now how I can survive here much longer. I hate this place. I hate the way I feel. I want to run but I have no where to run to. The man I love doesn't love me anymore. There is nothing left good for me here. But I'm trapped. I wake up in the morning disappointed that I woke up at all. Sometimes I cry, like I did this morning. My life is a disease.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Shattering: Emotional and Verbal Abuse experience
I just got out of the tail end of a horribly verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. It lasted a little over a year.
Let me tell you, if you are with someone who does the following, get out quick:
Criticizes you by calling you names like idiot, dumb, stupid, or other more colorful things for making simple mistakes or being clumsy... things a normal person would laugh off.
Has intimate conversations with you about your feelings only to use things you tell them as weapons to hurt you to the utmost of their ability whenever they happen to feel you deserve it.
Builds up your self esteem only to take great pleasure in tearing you down again, then holding you in contempt for being hurt.
Laughs at your pain.
Acts like their own behavior is justified and right, "who they are", and if you don't like it, leave, but has no regard for your own personality or quirks, feelings, or needs.
Belittles your home, your friends, your belongings.
Tries to isolate you from support by telling you not to "spread lies about them" to your friends or other support groups.
Shows signs of misogynistic behavior "All you women are alike..." "Women are manipulative." "Women are not worthy of..."
Accuses YOU of the very same behavior they so obviously engage in, such as guilt tripping, emotional manipulation, etc.
Only want you around at their own convenience, of if you have something to offer them that they happen to need at the moment.
Belittles you sexually.
Shows extreme insecurity at times, but then does a 180 and embraces their faults as though it makes them special.
Claims to understand and know you extremely well, your motives and thoughts, but says that you can never understand their own motives or thoughts because they are so far beyond you.
Tells you to stop being "a victim" but only because they are the ultimate victim, and they blame all of their failings on things outside themselves, and never on their own actions or weaknesses.
Crazy-making behavior and logic specifically designed to confuse and trip you up so that they can then point out how stupid/idiotic/overly emotional/pathetic you are.
Those are just a few. But if you see this behavior, run like hell before you get attached. They can be extremely sweet and charming, but that is an act used only to create the intimacy they require in order to really hurt you the most. If you don't care about them, they can't hurt you.
It is sociopathic behavior and it will make you insane. Then you will be called crazy when you react as any normal person would under the circumstances... with confusion, rage, hurt, and emotion.
Let me tell you, if you are with someone who does the following, get out quick:
Criticizes you by calling you names like idiot, dumb, stupid, or other more colorful things for making simple mistakes or being clumsy... things a normal person would laugh off.
Has intimate conversations with you about your feelings only to use things you tell them as weapons to hurt you to the utmost of their ability whenever they happen to feel you deserve it.
Builds up your self esteem only to take great pleasure in tearing you down again, then holding you in contempt for being hurt.
Laughs at your pain.
Acts like their own behavior is justified and right, "who they are", and if you don't like it, leave, but has no regard for your own personality or quirks, feelings, or needs.
Belittles your home, your friends, your belongings.
Tries to isolate you from support by telling you not to "spread lies about them" to your friends or other support groups.
Shows signs of misogynistic behavior "All you women are alike..." "Women are manipulative." "Women are not worthy of..."
Accuses YOU of the very same behavior they so obviously engage in, such as guilt tripping, emotional manipulation, etc.
Only want you around at their own convenience, of if you have something to offer them that they happen to need at the moment.
Belittles you sexually.
Shows extreme insecurity at times, but then does a 180 and embraces their faults as though it makes them special.
Claims to understand and know you extremely well, your motives and thoughts, but says that you can never understand their own motives or thoughts because they are so far beyond you.
Tells you to stop being "a victim" but only because they are the ultimate victim, and they blame all of their failings on things outside themselves, and never on their own actions or weaknesses.
Crazy-making behavior and logic specifically designed to confuse and trip you up so that they can then point out how stupid/idiotic/overly emotional/pathetic you are.
Those are just a few. But if you see this behavior, run like hell before you get attached. They can be extremely sweet and charming, but that is an act used only to create the intimacy they require in order to really hurt you the most. If you don't care about them, they can't hurt you.
It is sociopathic behavior and it will make you insane. Then you will be called crazy when you react as any normal person would under the circumstances... with confusion, rage, hurt, and emotion.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The Killing
Tonight there will be a mercy killing.
The open hearted flower child is going to the pyre.
The heart on the sleeve is being torn off and discarded.
I am no longer what I was.
No more manipulation.
You have all done your best to murder what was good in me,
But it is mine to kill, and I will do it gently,
Without pain.
The open hearted flower child is going to the pyre.
The heart on the sleeve is being torn off and discarded.
I am no longer what I was.
No more manipulation.
You have all done your best to murder what was good in me,
But it is mine to kill, and I will do it gently,
Without pain.
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