Saturday

Raining.

I am so fucking lonely. My break-up is messing with my head. I just want to sleep all day.

No prospects. No one to talk to. Just me in my room. I used to think I was a pretty fun person. Fragile self-esteem, yes. Fall in love with all the wrong men. Invite them in, and they trash the joint. The joint being my brain. I can't get my life straight. How can you live an emotional life without drowning half the time? What is wrong with me? I don't believe I was meant to be miserable my whole life, but I'm starting to worry.

No friends to be with who aren't closet or open racists, Christians who want to tell me to get right with God, or apathetic losers who only want me around for their convenience. Is that all I'm worth?

Just imagine that feeling in your chest you get when you're just on the verge of breaking down and bawling. My chest feels like that almost all the time these days. I'm scared. I feel trapped. And there isn't anyone to help.

Fuck you if you think this is emo. "Emo" is a term coined to invalidate other people's feelings. You have these feelings too. Maybe you have better coping skills. I never had anyone to teach me coping skills. I feel things from the inside all the way to the ends of my hair. So what am I supposed to do about that? Isn't there anyone out there who appreciates that special trait in another human being? Instead, I run into users and abusers who want to manipulate the heart on my sleeve that's so easily accessible to their machinations.

I try so hard. You have no idea. I try really fucking hard.