Trapped

I don't now how I can survive here much longer. I hate this place. I hate the way I feel. I want to run but I have no where to run to. The man I love doesn't love me anymore. There is nothing left good for me here. But I'm trapped. I wake up in the morning disappointed that I woke up at all. Sometimes I cry, like I did this morning. My life is a disease.

Bad Blood, Watercolor

Self Portrait, Watercolor

Frida Kahlo "Thinking About Death"

Where I live

Shattering: Emotional and Verbal Abuse experience

I just got out of the tail end of a horribly verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. It lasted a little over a year.

Let me tell you, if you are with someone who does the following, get out quick:

Criticizes you by calling you names like idiot, dumb, stupid, or other more colorful things for making simple mistakes or being clumsy... things a normal person would laugh off.

Has intimate conversations with you about your feelings only to use things you tell them as weapons to hurt you to the utmost of their ability whenever they happen to feel you deserve it.

Builds up your self esteem only to take great pleasure in tearing you down again, then holding you in contempt for being hurt.

Laughs at your pain.

Acts like their own behavior is justified and right, "who they are", and if you don't like it, leave, but has no regard for your own personality or quirks, feelings, or needs.

Belittles your home, your friends, your belongings.

Tries to isolate you from support by telling you not to "spread lies about them" to your friends or other support groups.

Shows signs of misogynistic behavior "All you women are alike..." "Women are manipulative." "Women are not worthy of..."

Accuses YOU of the very same behavior they so obviously engage in, such as guilt tripping, emotional manipulation, etc.

Only want you around at their own convenience, of if you have something to offer them that they happen to need at the moment.

Belittles you sexually.

Shows extreme insecurity at times, but then does a 180 and embraces their faults as though it makes them special.

Claims to understand and know you extremely well, your motives and thoughts, but says that you can never understand their own motives or thoughts because they are so far beyond you.

Tells you to stop being "a victim" but only because they are the ultimate victim, and they blame all of their failings on things outside themselves, and never on their own actions or weaknesses.

Crazy-making behavior and logic specifically designed to confuse and trip you up so that they can then point out how stupid/idiotic/overly emotional/pathetic you are.



Those are just a few. But if you see this behavior, run like hell before you get attached. They can be extremely sweet and charming, but that is an act used only to create the intimacy they require in order to really hurt you the most. If you don't care about them, they can't hurt you.

It is sociopathic behavior and it will make you insane. Then you will be called crazy when you react as any normal person would under the circumstances... with confusion, rage, hurt, and emotion.

The Killing

Tonight there will be a mercy killing.

The open hearted flower child is going to the pyre.

The heart on the sleeve is being torn off and discarded.

I am no longer what I was.

No more manipulation.

You have all done your best to murder what was good in me,

But it is mine to kill, and I will do it gently,

Without pain.

Saturday

Raining.

I am so fucking lonely. My break-up is messing with my head. I just want to sleep all day.

No prospects. No one to talk to. Just me in my room. I used to think I was a pretty fun person. Fragile self-esteem, yes. Fall in love with all the wrong men. Invite them in, and they trash the joint. The joint being my brain. I can't get my life straight. How can you live an emotional life without drowning half the time? What is wrong with me? I don't believe I was meant to be miserable my whole life, but I'm starting to worry.

No friends to be with who aren't closet or open racists, Christians who want to tell me to get right with God, or apathetic losers who only want me around for their convenience. Is that all I'm worth?

Just imagine that feeling in your chest you get when you're just on the verge of breaking down and bawling. My chest feels like that almost all the time these days. I'm scared. I feel trapped. And there isn't anyone to help.

Fuck you if you think this is emo. "Emo" is a term coined to invalidate other people's feelings. You have these feelings too. Maybe you have better coping skills. I never had anyone to teach me coping skills. I feel things from the inside all the way to the ends of my hair. So what am I supposed to do about that? Isn't there anyone out there who appreciates that special trait in another human being? Instead, I run into users and abusers who want to manipulate the heart on my sleeve that's so easily accessible to their machinations.

I try so hard. You have no idea. I try really fucking hard.

Short poem

You are as hollow as an empty beer can
A dead soldier
All shine and no substance
You left me here to smoke too many cigarettes
Sitting in the dark in this room that isn't mine
Left too many muddy footprints
Left me here to wallow in doubt
As if there were any need for more of that
Here among the debris
Of your most recent nuclear attack
No peace
Your toxins will float in with the weather
For many moons to come

Painful

Ex boyfriend who I've been trying to be friends with and having a great time the last two weeks decided to act an ass last night and now won't speak to me. He is a verbally abusive drunk. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just wish I could stop giving a shit so walking away wouldn't have to suck so much. I am so tired of life sucking. Why can't something work out well for once? Miserable.

Like a sword, like a steel mirror...

WISDOM of Rumi

Make yourself free from self at one stroke!
Like a sword be without trace of soft iron;
Like a steel mirror, scour off all rust with contrition.