Saturday

Raining.

I am so fucking lonely. My break-up is messing with my head. I just want to sleep all day.

No prospects. No one to talk to. Just me in my room. I used to think I was a pretty fun person. Fragile self-esteem, yes. Fall in love with all the wrong men. Invite them in, and they trash the joint. The joint being my brain. I can't get my life straight. How can you live an emotional life without drowning half the time? What is wrong with me? I don't believe I was meant to be miserable my whole life, but I'm starting to worry.

No friends to be with who aren't closet or open racists, Christians who want to tell me to get right with God, or apathetic losers who only want me around for their convenience. Is that all I'm worth?

Just imagine that feeling in your chest you get when you're just on the verge of breaking down and bawling. My chest feels like that almost all the time these days. I'm scared. I feel trapped. And there isn't anyone to help.

Fuck you if you think this is emo. "Emo" is a term coined to invalidate other people's feelings. You have these feelings too. Maybe you have better coping skills. I never had anyone to teach me coping skills. I feel things from the inside all the way to the ends of my hair. So what am I supposed to do about that? Isn't there anyone out there who appreciates that special trait in another human being? Instead, I run into users and abusers who want to manipulate the heart on my sleeve that's so easily accessible to their machinations.

I try so hard. You have no idea. I try really fucking hard.

Short poem

You are as hollow as an empty beer can
A dead soldier
All shine and no substance
You left me here to smoke too many cigarettes
Sitting in the dark in this room that isn't mine
Left too many muddy footprints
Left me here to wallow in doubt
As if there were any need for more of that
Here among the debris
Of your most recent nuclear attack
No peace
Your toxins will float in with the weather
For many moons to come

Painful

Ex boyfriend who I've been trying to be friends with and having a great time the last two weeks decided to act an ass last night and now won't speak to me. He is a verbally abusive drunk. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just wish I could stop giving a shit so walking away wouldn't have to suck so much. I am so tired of life sucking. Why can't something work out well for once? Miserable.

Like a sword, like a steel mirror...

WISDOM of Rumi

Make yourself free from self at one stroke!
Like a sword be without trace of soft iron;
Like a steel mirror, scour off all rust with contrition.

Love for R.L. Burnside

Fisher of fish...

Went fishing yesterday with a good friend. Haven't been in a long time. I caught four bluegill and three bass! We were catching and releasing of course. It was so very satisfying, especially considering he only caught two bass. :) I am the queen. Of fish.

So yesterday was a good day. We ate crawfish and drank beer and hung out until after midnight. It was almost like having a life. Go me!

Blues, they're what's for breakfast.

My ex recently said something smart. "This is the Delta. Home of the Blues. You know why? This place hasn't changed in 100 years."