Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Trapped
I don't now how I can survive here much longer. I hate this place. I hate the way I feel. I want to run but I have no where to run to. The man I love doesn't love me anymore. There is nothing left good for me here. But I'm trapped. I wake up in the morning disappointed that I woke up at all. Sometimes I cry, like I did this morning. My life is a disease.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Shattering: Emotional and Verbal Abuse experience
I just got out of the tail end of a horribly verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. It lasted a little over a year.
Let me tell you, if you are with someone who does the following, get out quick:
Criticizes you by calling you names like idiot, dumb, stupid, or other more colorful things for making simple mistakes or being clumsy... things a normal person would laugh off.
Has intimate conversations with you about your feelings only to use things you tell them as weapons to hurt you to the utmost of their ability whenever they happen to feel you deserve it.
Builds up your self esteem only to take great pleasure in tearing you down again, then holding you in contempt for being hurt.
Laughs at your pain.
Acts like their own behavior is justified and right, "who they are", and if you don't like it, leave, but has no regard for your own personality or quirks, feelings, or needs.
Belittles your home, your friends, your belongings.
Tries to isolate you from support by telling you not to "spread lies about them" to your friends or other support groups.
Shows signs of misogynistic behavior "All you women are alike..." "Women are manipulative." "Women are not worthy of..."
Accuses YOU of the very same behavior they so obviously engage in, such as guilt tripping, emotional manipulation, etc.
Only want you around at their own convenience, of if you have something to offer them that they happen to need at the moment.
Belittles you sexually.
Shows extreme insecurity at times, but then does a 180 and embraces their faults as though it makes them special.
Claims to understand and know you extremely well, your motives and thoughts, but says that you can never understand their own motives or thoughts because they are so far beyond you.
Tells you to stop being "a victim" but only because they are the ultimate victim, and they blame all of their failings on things outside themselves, and never on their own actions or weaknesses.
Crazy-making behavior and logic specifically designed to confuse and trip you up so that they can then point out how stupid/idiotic/overly emotional/pathetic you are.
Those are just a few. But if you see this behavior, run like hell before you get attached. They can be extremely sweet and charming, but that is an act used only to create the intimacy they require in order to really hurt you the most. If you don't care about them, they can't hurt you.
It is sociopathic behavior and it will make you insane. Then you will be called crazy when you react as any normal person would under the circumstances... with confusion, rage, hurt, and emotion.
Let me tell you, if you are with someone who does the following, get out quick:
Criticizes you by calling you names like idiot, dumb, stupid, or other more colorful things for making simple mistakes or being clumsy... things a normal person would laugh off.
Has intimate conversations with you about your feelings only to use things you tell them as weapons to hurt you to the utmost of their ability whenever they happen to feel you deserve it.
Builds up your self esteem only to take great pleasure in tearing you down again, then holding you in contempt for being hurt.
Laughs at your pain.
Acts like their own behavior is justified and right, "who they are", and if you don't like it, leave, but has no regard for your own personality or quirks, feelings, or needs.
Belittles your home, your friends, your belongings.
Tries to isolate you from support by telling you not to "spread lies about them" to your friends or other support groups.
Shows signs of misogynistic behavior "All you women are alike..." "Women are manipulative." "Women are not worthy of..."
Accuses YOU of the very same behavior they so obviously engage in, such as guilt tripping, emotional manipulation, etc.
Only want you around at their own convenience, of if you have something to offer them that they happen to need at the moment.
Belittles you sexually.
Shows extreme insecurity at times, but then does a 180 and embraces their faults as though it makes them special.
Claims to understand and know you extremely well, your motives and thoughts, but says that you can never understand their own motives or thoughts because they are so far beyond you.
Tells you to stop being "a victim" but only because they are the ultimate victim, and they blame all of their failings on things outside themselves, and never on their own actions or weaknesses.
Crazy-making behavior and logic specifically designed to confuse and trip you up so that they can then point out how stupid/idiotic/overly emotional/pathetic you are.
Those are just a few. But if you see this behavior, run like hell before you get attached. They can be extremely sweet and charming, but that is an act used only to create the intimacy they require in order to really hurt you the most. If you don't care about them, they can't hurt you.
It is sociopathic behavior and it will make you insane. Then you will be called crazy when you react as any normal person would under the circumstances... with confusion, rage, hurt, and emotion.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The Killing
Tonight there will be a mercy killing.
The open hearted flower child is going to the pyre.
The heart on the sleeve is being torn off and discarded.
I am no longer what I was.
No more manipulation.
You have all done your best to murder what was good in me,
But it is mine to kill, and I will do it gently,
Without pain.
The open hearted flower child is going to the pyre.
The heart on the sleeve is being torn off and discarded.
I am no longer what I was.
No more manipulation.
You have all done your best to murder what was good in me,
But it is mine to kill, and I will do it gently,
Without pain.
Saturday
Raining.
I am so fucking lonely. My break-up is messing with my head. I just want to sleep all day.
No prospects. No one to talk to. Just me in my room. I used to think I was a pretty fun person. Fragile self-esteem, yes. Fall in love with all the wrong men. Invite them in, and they trash the joint. The joint being my brain. I can't get my life straight. How can you live an emotional life without drowning half the time? What is wrong with me? I don't believe I was meant to be miserable my whole life, but I'm starting to worry.
No friends to be with who aren't closet or open racists, Christians who want to tell me to get right with God, or apathetic losers who only want me around for their convenience. Is that all I'm worth?
Just imagine that feeling in your chest you get when you're just on the verge of breaking down and bawling. My chest feels like that almost all the time these days. I'm scared. I feel trapped. And there isn't anyone to help.
Fuck you if you think this is emo. "Emo" is a term coined to invalidate other people's feelings. You have these feelings too. Maybe you have better coping skills. I never had anyone to teach me coping skills. I feel things from the inside all the way to the ends of my hair. So what am I supposed to do about that? Isn't there anyone out there who appreciates that special trait in another human being? Instead, I run into users and abusers who want to manipulate the heart on my sleeve that's so easily accessible to their machinations.
I try so hard. You have no idea. I try really fucking hard.
I am so fucking lonely. My break-up is messing with my head. I just want to sleep all day.
No prospects. No one to talk to. Just me in my room. I used to think I was a pretty fun person. Fragile self-esteem, yes. Fall in love with all the wrong men. Invite them in, and they trash the joint. The joint being my brain. I can't get my life straight. How can you live an emotional life without drowning half the time? What is wrong with me? I don't believe I was meant to be miserable my whole life, but I'm starting to worry.
No friends to be with who aren't closet or open racists, Christians who want to tell me to get right with God, or apathetic losers who only want me around for their convenience. Is that all I'm worth?
Just imagine that feeling in your chest you get when you're just on the verge of breaking down and bawling. My chest feels like that almost all the time these days. I'm scared. I feel trapped. And there isn't anyone to help.
Fuck you if you think this is emo. "Emo" is a term coined to invalidate other people's feelings. You have these feelings too. Maybe you have better coping skills. I never had anyone to teach me coping skills. I feel things from the inside all the way to the ends of my hair. So what am I supposed to do about that? Isn't there anyone out there who appreciates that special trait in another human being? Instead, I run into users and abusers who want to manipulate the heart on my sleeve that's so easily accessible to their machinations.
I try so hard. You have no idea. I try really fucking hard.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Short poem
You are as hollow as an empty beer can
A dead soldier
All shine and no substance
You left me here to smoke too many cigarettes
Sitting in the dark in this room that isn't mine
Left too many muddy footprints
Left me here to wallow in doubt
As if there were any need for more of that
Here among the debris
Of your most recent nuclear attack
No peace
Your toxins will float in with the weather
For many moons to come
A dead soldier
All shine and no substance
You left me here to smoke too many cigarettes
Sitting in the dark in this room that isn't mine
Left too many muddy footprints
Left me here to wallow in doubt
As if there were any need for more of that
Here among the debris
Of your most recent nuclear attack
No peace
Your toxins will float in with the weather
For many moons to come
Painful
Ex boyfriend who I've been trying to be friends with and having a great time the last two weeks decided to act an ass last night and now won't speak to me. He is a verbally abusive drunk. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just wish I could stop giving a shit so walking away wouldn't have to suck so much. I am so tired of life sucking. Why can't something work out well for once? Miserable.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Like a sword, like a steel mirror...
WISDOM of Rumi
Make yourself free from self at one stroke!
Like a sword be without trace of soft iron;
Like a steel mirror, scour off all rust with contrition.
Make yourself free from self at one stroke!
Like a sword be without trace of soft iron;
Like a steel mirror, scour off all rust with contrition.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Fisher of fish...
Went fishing yesterday with a good friend. Haven't been in a long time. I caught four bluegill and three bass! We were catching and releasing of course. It was so very satisfying, especially considering he only caught two bass. :) I am the queen. Of fish.
So yesterday was a good day. We ate crawfish and drank beer and hung out until after midnight. It was almost like having a life. Go me!
So yesterday was a good day. We ate crawfish and drank beer and hung out until after midnight. It was almost like having a life. Go me!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Blues, they're what's for breakfast.
My ex recently said something smart. "This is the Delta. Home of the Blues. You know why? This place hasn't changed in 100 years."
Why no, I'm not from around here. Earth, I mean.
I'm sitting here this morning being jealous of my ex-boyfriend fishing with his seven year old son. Not in a bad jealous way. Mainly because he and I never got to go fishing together before TSHTF*. I'm also pissed off because my friend at Notre Dame isn't writing me back after two weeks, and although I know he's busy and has a life, sheesh. Throw me a bone here.
So.
They are selling boiled crawfish out of that trailer down on 61 North. Spring has arrived in Mississippi. It's not the groundhog you watch around here. It's Tbeaux's.
I'm sick of writing about depressing shit. These are the things I know:
I don't want to be here.
I don't want things to have gone wrong with my ex.
I have hope for a future I can't yet imagine.
I wake up every day feeling pretty crappy about life.
I need a job and I cannot find one.
That pretty much sums it up. My brain has been a mess the past few days. I have cried my way through an entire box of tissues. That's a lot of snot, people, because I don't just blow once and throw it away. I use that lil fucker UP.
I'm slowly accepting that I am not some sort of special super genius empathic magical being, which may come as a surprise to my friends who've been trying to explain to me how NOT a piece of shit I am. Call me conflicted. My self-image may be in the toilet, but my imaginary hopeful self-image was not. You know, it's that same hopeful self-image that some people have when they tell themselves they MUST be adopted? Well, I have secretly hoped, somehow, beyond all rationality, that I MUST NOT BE FROM HERE.
Anyway.
Carry on.
*TSHTF: The shit hit the fan. Used in many contexts.
So.
They are selling boiled crawfish out of that trailer down on 61 North. Spring has arrived in Mississippi. It's not the groundhog you watch around here. It's Tbeaux's.
I'm sick of writing about depressing shit. These are the things I know:
I don't want to be here.
I don't want things to have gone wrong with my ex.
I have hope for a future I can't yet imagine.
I wake up every day feeling pretty crappy about life.
I need a job and I cannot find one.
That pretty much sums it up. My brain has been a mess the past few days. I have cried my way through an entire box of tissues. That's a lot of snot, people, because I don't just blow once and throw it away. I use that lil fucker UP.
I'm slowly accepting that I am not some sort of special super genius empathic magical being, which may come as a surprise to my friends who've been trying to explain to me how NOT a piece of shit I am. Call me conflicted. My self-image may be in the toilet, but my imaginary hopeful self-image was not. You know, it's that same hopeful self-image that some people have when they tell themselves they MUST be adopted? Well, I have secretly hoped, somehow, beyond all rationality, that I MUST NOT BE FROM HERE.
Anyway.
Carry on.
*TSHTF: The shit hit the fan. Used in many contexts.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Exercise, cont.
Who am I?
I am someone who will tell you more than you wanted to know about me.
Yep, that's me. I've learned the hard way that not everyone wants to discuss things in minute detail, especially emotional things. I enjoy it. I enjoy analyzing things and figuring them out, in order to avoid future confusion. I know I can't expect all other people to feel the same way, but if they are going to be close to me, they have to accept the fact that I NEED TO DO THIS. It's not a form of torture. I swear.
I enjoy being outdoors when it's nice. I like walking/hiking in a laid-back fashion, but nothing competitive. I love fishing but I'm not great at it. I like camping when everything is going right, not when a thunderstorm comes in the middle of the night and blows your tent away.
But I also enjoy the finer things of life, like fine dining, going to concerts, shopping, having my hair done, getting a massage. Can I afford these things now? No.
My ideal car in an ideal world where oil was not a pollutant or outrageously expensive, would be this:
It is a flat black Lotus Elise.
But this is more likely to fit my lifestyle:
This is a 2011 Brilliant Black Crystal Pearl Jeep Cherokee Laredo.
Yeah, I'm daydreaming.
I am someone who will tell you more than you wanted to know about me.
Yep, that's me. I've learned the hard way that not everyone wants to discuss things in minute detail, especially emotional things. I enjoy it. I enjoy analyzing things and figuring them out, in order to avoid future confusion. I know I can't expect all other people to feel the same way, but if they are going to be close to me, they have to accept the fact that I NEED TO DO THIS. It's not a form of torture. I swear.
I enjoy being outdoors when it's nice. I like walking/hiking in a laid-back fashion, but nothing competitive. I love fishing but I'm not great at it. I like camping when everything is going right, not when a thunderstorm comes in the middle of the night and blows your tent away.
But I also enjoy the finer things of life, like fine dining, going to concerts, shopping, having my hair done, getting a massage. Can I afford these things now? No.
My ideal car in an ideal world where oil was not a pollutant or outrageously expensive, would be this:
But this is more likely to fit my lifestyle:
Yeah, I'm daydreaming.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Boots
The boots belonged to someone else
They never fit quite right,
Turned out a bit too much at the heel
Pinching a bit too much at the toe
But they were good boots, the leather was sound
And the soles had no holes
No holes, that's important
Solid boots for walking and working
Polished the leather to a soft shine
They really were a nice shade of brown
With stitching
Tough boots for wandering and losing oneself
But never tough enough for losing someone else
Those soles, whole and unbroken
Never could protect from broken hearts
Or broken promises
The shine of that leather couldn't brighten the shadows
Cast by the lies
The boots picked up dust in their travels
And scars
So much stronger than the person who wore them
Whose scars didn't show
Whose leather would not polish
Whose soul had so many holes.
They never fit quite right,
Turned out a bit too much at the heel
Pinching a bit too much at the toe
But they were good boots, the leather was sound
And the soles had no holes
No holes, that's important
Solid boots for walking and working
Polished the leather to a soft shine
They really were a nice shade of brown
With stitching
Tough boots for wandering and losing oneself
But never tough enough for losing someone else
Those soles, whole and unbroken
Never could protect from broken hearts
Or broken promises
The shine of that leather couldn't brighten the shadows
Cast by the lies
The boots picked up dust in their travels
And scars
So much stronger than the person who wore them
Whose scars didn't show
Whose leather would not polish
Whose soul had so many holes.
Exercise
So I'm told I should do this exercise to help shore up my sense of self. Ok.
Things I Like:
The color blue, especially old blue bottles
Horses
Baby animals
Painting
Cooking
Sushi
Meat
Being touched (by the right person)
Affection (see above)
Coffee
Morning conversations
White noise when I sleep
Traveling
Spending time with the one I love
Feeling safe
Self-expression
Writing (poetry, etc.)
Reading (mostly fiction)
Meaningful work
Gardening
Happy drunks
Things I Don't Like:
Being talked down to
Being belittled
Being devalued
Useless criticism
Meanness/cruelty
Verbal/emotional abuse
Prolonged physical distance
Cold rainy days
Bland food
Snobbery
Money-hungry fucks
Complications
Being lonely
Boredom
Drudgery
Instability (though all too familiar)
Snoring
Mean drunks
Things I Like:
The color blue, especially old blue bottles
Horses
Baby animals
Painting
Cooking
Sushi
Meat
Being touched (by the right person)
Affection (see above)
Coffee
Morning conversations
White noise when I sleep
Traveling
Spending time with the one I love
Feeling safe
Self-expression
Writing (poetry, etc.)
Reading (mostly fiction)
Meaningful work
Gardening
Happy drunks
Things I Don't Like:
Being talked down to
Being belittled
Being devalued
Useless criticism
Meanness/cruelty
Verbal/emotional abuse
Prolonged physical distance
Cold rainy days
Bland food
Snobbery
Money-hungry fucks
Complications
Being lonely
Boredom
Drudgery
Instability (though all too familiar)
Snoring
Mean drunks
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sleeping Beauty?
So imagine that Sleeping Beauty pricked her finger (perceived loss of innocence) and put her innocent self to sleep, surrounded herself with twisted, prickly, protective briars, and lay there for years. Along came the one man (or person) who believed she was worth fighting through all that armor to reach. His kiss, acceptance that herself was still intact, just waiting to be awakened by a true Hero. There aren't many out there.
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